Saturday, May 29, 2010


I must be going crazy. Well, not really but life catches up to you sometimes. Or more like passes you by and you cant catch up. But now I am beginning to see why people have therapists. They aren't always crazy, or completley lonely or kept something buried that their mom or dad did years ago. True there are those cases but then there are the cases like me. Just think, if I had a therapist I could just let out every single thing that bothers me. They dont know me and they dont know the people involved in my life. And then I would have absolutely no worries about them telling just one person who then of course tells just one person and so on and so on. And I could just go on and on and on about whatever I want to. And in my dream world its with NO interruptions or judgement. And if they are judging I dont really know them so I dont care. Its like a best friend that you dont have to feel guilty for spilling the beans on an argument with a spouse or friend. (Of course this friend doesn't come cheap!) Maybe I will start another blog under a different identity...just an idea. But for now I will just rant to myself and make this headache even bigger.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Cookies and Chicken

Today I made homemade chocolate chip cookies for the very first time. I didn't include a picture because we all know what cookies look like. And they were so good. And the recipe made a lot of cookies. The recipe said it would make 60 cookies. I didn't have that many but I probably made mine bigger than what they did. And for the first time I now know why people like to eat cookie dough. While I was waiting to put the cookies in the oven I was wondering if they were going to be good so I thought if I tried the batter I would get an idea. Well.....I ended up having to hurry up and wash the bowl out so I would quit eating it! Definitley a winner recipe.
On another note I was cooking a chicken breast for our chicken quesadillas for supper and I wanted to do it really simple. I heated up some olive oil and sprinkled salt and pepper on the chicken. It was one of the tastiest pieces of chicken I have ever tried. I cant belive how something so simple could be so yummy. And it just looked really pretty too. That will probably be a new regular way I cook chicken. Not too fattening either.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Something to think on

I love to read. I always have and if its a good book I hate to put it down. My books of choice have definitley changed over the last few years. I now read Fictional Christain but I am about to start looking at reading real life stories about Christians out in the world. But a few days ago I was reading a book and a character said something that I suppose I have known to be true but its not something I have ever really thought about. She was talking about living our lives as Christians and how Jesus sacrificed his earthly body so we are the only earthly bodies He has to use. What a revelation it was to read that! Of course we know that but is it something we ever think about? He NEEDS us to do the works that the Father has for us to do. Are we willing to do that for Him?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Blues

If there is such a thing. Its Mothers Day 2010, 9:17 p.m. and I am exhausted. I couldn't even hardly stay awake visiting with my mom this evening but just a few minutes ago I was laying in bed and all I can think about is Amber. Amber is the young girl that got killed just one week ago. Then thinking about Amber send a million and one thoughts through my head. I am so confused about life and where I stand with it. I want to leave this world knowing that I walked every day with the love of God shining through me impacting everyone around me. Not just my family, but friends and even the cashier from Walmart.

But I dont see it. And if I dont see it, then its obviously not happening. I wasn't really brought up in church but I have always known God therefore never been a nonbeliever. But I have definitely been a nondoer. If that makes sense. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. None of which go to church or feel the need to love God and live for him. I know for a fact that at least 3 of them believe in God but I honestly dont know about the fourth one. But what am I doing for to have an impact on them? I do pray for them but not consistently. And have you ever really stopped to think about what happens to nonbelievers? I do....all the time. And just thinking about it now sends absolute FEAR through my body. I think about people I love going to hell and even people I just met and my heart starts breaking in a million pieces. Maybe its even my spirit breaking. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I think about David asking God to punish his enemies and I think "I could never wish that on anyone." Not even on the man who caused me to live my entire life sleeping with one eye open and knowing that I will never have the relationship I want with my mom. Then after thinking about all of this I wonder....if I have this much doubt about my spiritual life where does that leave me? Should I fear for myself? On Judgment Day? Well I think even if I thought I was living a worthy life I would still fear standing before God and answering for all Ive done or haven't done in this life.

Now whats my point in talking about this? Im not sure exactly but I knew I couldnt spend another minute laying in bed with all of this running through my head. Today I pray for Amber's family who lost a daughter, a sister and a devoted aunt only one week ago and a month before her 25th birthday. This is a mothers worst nightmare. Well, one of them. And to have a holiday like this right after. My heart goes out to this family. I also pray that not a day goes by without God bringing conviction on my life. I want to be completely clean of anything worldly in my life. I want to bury myself in His word every day and just fall deeper and deeper into finding out who He is. Thank you God for every day that you give me. May I not take one day for granted and my I find a way to make up for all of the days I have wasted.

Monday, May 3, 2010

An Aching Heart

My heart is breaking. Not so much for what I feel but for what was lost. Yesterday morning I walk in to church and find out that someone I knew was killed in a boating accident. I had worked with this girl a few years back, went to some church functions together and just last week was sitting and laughing with her at a ballgame. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. She was my age. Not married but she was a woman going after God. That should help the sadness right? It doesn't. This wasn't even someone I talked to on a regular basis but I felt I could barely keep it together. I was sitting in praise and worship and all I could think was why God? She's my age. She didn't get the chance to really live. She really was loved by so many. She was one of those always laughing and smiling. I wake up this morning and nothing looks the same. All I can think is it could've been me. It could be any of us. And if I was to go today, would I felt as if I had lived my life up to par? Have I done everything I can possibly do to give my life to God completely. Do I even have that much faith to live the exact way He has asked me to?