If there is such a thing. Its Mothers Day 2010, 9:17 p.m. and I am exhausted. I couldn't even hardly stay awake visiting with my mom this evening but just a few minutes ago I was laying in bed and all I can think about is Amber. Amber is the young girl that got killed just one week ago. Then thinking about Amber send a million and one thoughts through my head. I am so confused about life and where I stand with it. I want to leave this world knowing that I walked every day with the love of God shining through me impacting everyone around me. Not just my family, but friends and even the cashier from Walmart.
But I dont see it. And if I dont see it, then its obviously not happening. I wasn't really brought up in church but I have always known God therefore never been a nonbeliever. But I have definitely been a nondoer. If that makes sense. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. None of which go to church or feel the need to love God and live for him. I know for a fact that at least 3 of them believe in God but I honestly dont know about the fourth one. But what am I doing for to have an impact on them? I do pray for them but not consistently. And have you ever really stopped to think about what happens to nonbelievers? I do....all the time. And just thinking about it now sends absolute FEAR through my body. I think about people I love going to hell and even people I just met and my heart starts breaking in a million pieces. Maybe its even my spirit breaking. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I think about David asking God to punish his enemies and I think "I could never wish that on anyone." Not even on the man who caused me to live my entire life sleeping with one eye open and knowing that I will never have the relationship I want with my mom. Then after thinking about all of this I wonder....if I have this much doubt about my spiritual life where does that leave me? Should I fear for myself? On Judgment Day? Well I think even if I thought I was living a worthy life I would still fear standing before God and answering for all Ive done or haven't done in this life.
Now whats my point in talking about this? Im not sure exactly but I knew I couldnt spend another minute laying in bed with all of this running through my head. Today I pray for Amber's family who lost a daughter, a sister and a devoted aunt only one week ago and a month before her 25th birthday. This is a mothers worst nightmare. Well, one of them. And to have a holiday like this right after. My heart goes out to this family. I also pray that not a day goes by without God bringing conviction on my life. I want to be completely clean of anything worldly in my life. I want to bury myself in His word every day and just fall deeper and deeper into finding out who He is. Thank you God for every day that you give me. May I not take one day for granted and my I find a way to make up for all of the days I have wasted.
Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
ReplyDeleteWith what shall I come before the LORD and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:6-8
The feelings that you have are exactly what the Lord desires of us. He wants us to fear Him, He wants us to love His ways, to walk humbly before Him, but also to know that He loves us, that He is gracious and merciful. When we are broken before Him, He is able to do the biggest works in our lives.
You make an impact whether you realize it or not. I know how shy you are, yet you will step outside of your comfort zone and speak boldly to people. Maybe you don't do it as often as you feel you should, but you do it more than many others that I know. I can't speak for the Lord, but I'd just bet that He takes delight in you.
I love and respect you very much and am thankful to have you in my life.